Mercury made me do it

When everything in your life is backward, blame it on a tiny planet going retrograde

MARY ROGERS
Star-Telegram Staff Writer
Thu, 16 Jan 2003

EVERYTHING WAS WRONG.

I awoke much later than usual. My hair wouldn't behave. The mascara tube might as well have been empty. The only light left burning above the vanity snapped off with a loud bang before I finished putting on my makeup. I dribbled coffee down my shirt and had to change, but there wasn't anything to change into, so I dabbed at the spreading coffee spots until I gave up and decided that if anyone looked that closely at my bosom I'd slap them -- advice my mother always gave.

It was early March 2000, and I was about to have an epiphany, a sudden flash of understanding, that great "Eureka!" moment we all long to experience. But who knew that on a day that began so badly, I'd discover an important secret of the universe?

I RUSHED FOR THE DOOR digging through my purse for the car keys as I went, but they weren't there. I looked on top of the bedroom television, on the fireplace hearth and then in the kitchen drawers. I tore through the pockets of my jeans, searched under the sofa, behind the chair, on top of the washer. I was late for work and getting angry.

The phone rang and I ignored it. It rang again and again and again and finally stopped, only to start up once more. I ran to answer it then but stumbled over the dog, which had begun barking madly at a squirrel outside the kitchen window. My shoe skidded across the floor and I fell, wrenching my shoulder and ripping the nail on my index finger deep into the quick.

I limped to the phone, but when I picked it up there was only the dial-tone buzz in my ear.

I don't remember how things went at work that day -- badly, I'm sure -- but when I got home a jury summons was waiting in the mailbox. What's more, I still had to go to the grocery market, and worse than that, I had to pick up a baby present at the mall.

I would rather take a beating with a cat-o'-nine-tails than ever step foot into those vast shopping labyrinths, but there was nothing to do but go -- and go I did. It turns out that it was a fortuitous trip.

I HAD ORDERED THE baby gift over the phone, expecting that it would be wrapped and waiting when I arrived -- but, lucky for me, it was not.

A plump woman with salt-and-pepper hair piled high on her head told me that the package had been misplaced and that the gift-wrap fee had not been charged to my account.

"That's just great," I snapped.

"Don't you worry, honey. We'll find this present in a jiffy," she said. Her eyes were black marbles behind round red spectacles, and when she smiled, laugh lines crinkled the corners. "You want to shop a little and come back for it?"

"Goodness no," I said in a most unfriendly manner.

"Well, that's just fine. Sit down and I'll help them look," she said.

I flopped onto a bench against the wall. In a few minutes, the woman came back waving the package. A line of silver bangle bracelets jangled on her fat wrist.

"Here it is. I told you we'd locate it," she said.

"Thank heavens," I said. Even before I stood up, the woman was punching numbers into the cash register. I took one step toward the counter and the lights flickered. Once. Twice. Then the room went dark. It took only a second for the power to come back on, but the computerized cash register was snared in some sort of limbo between the light and dark moments, like a soul caught in purgatory.

I was exasperated beyond reason. In a moment of total frustration I laid my head on the high counter, and when I looked up the woman was watching me. Her black eyes were solemn.

She patted my hand. Her thick fingers were knotted with arthritis, but her long fingernails were lacquered bright red and she wore several rings on each finger. The bracelets tinkled like bells.

"Mercury is in retrograde," she said.

Her voice was low, almost conspiratorial, as if she were telling me a secret.

"What?"

She leaned closer. "Mercury is in retrograde," she said again.

"Oh, that explains everything," I said.

She smiled then, a wide, warm smile that dimpled her rouged cheeks. "When ol' Merc goes retro it can be pretty bad," she said. "Communications go bad, letters get lost in the mail, computers go on the blink, but it doesn't have to be all downhill, no sir," she said jabbing at the cash register with a pencil she pulled from her hair.

"What do you mean?" I asked, but at that moment, the cash register hiccupped back to life.

"Well, looky here," said the woman with a laugh that set her hoop earrings swinging. All talk of the stars stopped. Soon I was on my way, the conversation an amusing end to an otherwise gruesome day. In hours, it was only a shadow of memory.

*

A FEW DAYS LATER I was reminded of the woman when someone else mentioned the Mercury-in-retrograde phenomenon. I did a quick bit of research on the Web and discovered that this Mercury-in-retrograde thing is probably the best excuse ever devised for anything that goes wrong: bad hair, bad breath, bad dogs, bad boss, bad anything at all -- but especially bad communication.

Mercury "goes retrograde" about three times each year. That is to say that because its orbit around the sun is shorter than the Earth's orbit, it sometimes appears to have stopped and reversed its position in the night sky, relative to the background stars, that is. After about three weeks, it seems to move forward again, and after a few days, say many Internet astrologers, life gets back to normal.

Now, during this reverse period, many of these star readers say that the everyday routines of most folks are upset. Frustrations set in and misunderstandings are commonplace.

Don't sign contracts, don't buy a car, don't start a new project, don't speak your mind, they warn. It's a tough time to negotiate anything. Agreements reached will likely be reversed later. It's best to put all your computer files on a backup system, too. Hunker down, say these experts, and wait for the stars to straighten up and fly right.

Naturally, being a journalist, I took all this information with a mighty grain of salt, but I often inserted it into conversation as a humorous explanation of why things -- all sorts of things -- didn't turn out as planned.

Mercury went retro again in June -- and then came October and November 2000 and another retrograde cycle. Near the very end of that cycle, on the last or next to last day -- depending on the source you consult -- U.S. voters went to the polls to decide who would next occupy the White House.

George W. Bush and Al Gore duked it out over the Florida returns in a hotly contested, history-making election. At one point, Gore conceded and then took it back. The matter went to the Supreme Court. Bush prevailed, but by then the stars were back on track.

Suddenly, ol' Merc going retro took on a different meaning for me. Could there really be something to this after all? Maybe it's as good an excuse as any other excuse in the universe.

Since then, I've learned that the woman in the store is right: Mercury in retrograde isn't all bad. It may be the Murphy's Law of the solar system, but it's also a cosmic call for a timeout. It's a time to slow your pace, step back, reflect, relax a bit.

It may be a bad time to start something new, but it's a great time to finish what you've already started. It's a bad time to travel but a good time to organize your home. It's not a time for new action, but a wonderful time to dream -- one of my best postures.

I still joke about the phenomenon, but I also pay attention when the planet closest to the sun seems to stand still and reverse its course. This year Mercury is in retrograde four times instead of the usual three: Jan. 2 to 22, April 26 to May 20, Aug. 28 to Sept. 20 and Dec. 17 to Jan. 6, 2004.

Work it right, and you might feel like you're living under a lucky star.

Mercury's masterpieces

You'd think there would be plenty of wacky things happening while Mercury is in retrograde -- like Lisa Marie Presley marrying Michael Jackson, or Lorena Bobbit clipping her hubby or Nancy Kerrigan getting whacked in the knee.

Instead, a quick review, using the Mercury Retrograde Tables devised by astrologer Richard Nolle, revealed much more horrific things. The 1906 earthquake rocked San Francisco. The Titanic sank. The Hindenburg exploded. Enron stock plunged.

We called New Age author Chrissie Blaze (www.chrissieblaze.com), who has just written Mercury Retrograde: Your Survival Guide to Astrology's Most Precarious Time of the Year!. She took a quick look at recent news and pointed out several things that she says are probably the direct result of Mercury's cycle.

North Korea and the United States weren't talking; it looks like that will soon change.

Hong Kong banned cellphone use in locker rooms. (Mercury's retrograde periods cause cellphones and computers all sorts of trouble.)

In London, it was announced that even clicking on a child porn Web site might get the looker 5 years in jail.

And what about Joe Millionaire? We need a powerful excuse for that one.


Mary Rogers, (817) 390-7745 rog@star-telegram.com

Charles Caple, Catherine Gulley and Alyson Ward contributed to this report.